DATELINE: BINGHAM, MICHIGAN Scientists from Lansing to London are abuzz at today’s announcement regarding a new cherry finding by researchers at the Northwest Michigan Horticultural Research Station (NWMI Hort).
Cherries have already been found to benefit conditions including gout and arthritis, but now, according to NWMI Hort Station Coordinator Jim Nugent, research has unlocked a whole new realm of cherry benefits. “Our cherry research team has discovered that the Balaton cherry, when mixed with powdered zebra mussel shells, produces amazing levels of hair growth. We’re calling it the FF Effect for … um … obvious reasons.”
Nugent admitted station scientists were baffled by the fact that no matter the original color and character of the subjects hair, new growth generated invariably bears a striking resemblance to 70s poster girl and Charlie’s Angels star Farrah Fawcett but said, “We have continued to refine our compound and have been able to generate hair resembling that of 80s hair band Motley Crue and are confident we’ll be able to control the growth someday.”
Be that as it may, one local company isn’t going to wait. Leland Cherry Company spokesman John Vidergar told our reporter, “While we realize that research is continuing, this opportunity is too good to waste. In addition to a portion of the market for baldness remedies, we also expect to realize a significant share of the market for blond hair coloring.” The company plans to begin selling Uncle John’s Cherry Miracle Cream later this month.