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dot.Whatever by Andrew L McFarlane
The Internet is fast running out of viable addresses, forcing companies to take ever longer and more confusing domain names. This grave problem has led to the creation of the Internet Naming And Numbering Effort (INANE). INANE is composed of representatives from industry, government, the media and (of course), the influential World Snack Food Council. Their recommended domains are listed here for the first time.

Would be the trial domain for an extended personal name system. We can preview such domains as www.brokaw.tom, www.selleck.tom and of course www.waites.tom. Eventually, all personal names would be included

would be reserved for the posting of manifestos, threats and other paranoid ramblings and would be maintained by a committee of the National Security Agency, United Nations and the Trilateral Commission.

Mother's Day is one of the most popular gift-giving holidays, so INANE imagines that the .mom domain would give Internet commerce an extra boost.

For those who use inventive spelling like phat and kewl, we propose the .kom domain. All users of .kom would be required to a combination of numbers and upper and lower case letters, garish design and a minimum of 13 required plug-ins per page. We could look forward to such exciting domains as: k0kAk0LA.kom, m1kr0$opht.kom and toysRus.kom.

Any message that starts with: Earn 10,000 a day in your underwear (excepting those for Victoria's Secret model candidates) would be required to originate from a .con address. Additionally, all .con domains would be required to have the name of a reputable .com domain (such as,, etc.) to ensure maximum confusion on the part of message recipients. A proposal is currently on the table to further require that all .con email addresses contain a combination of not less than 7 nonsensical letter/number combinations.

Speaking of .con, .pol would be the home of all political candidate web sites. This domain was narrowly selected over the admittedly more descriptive .$$$ domain.

Recognizing that AOL is such a force on the Internet, INANE has set aside the .aol domain to help them deliver their users even more Internet frills. As is the case currently, however, users would still be required to add meaningless numbers to their preferred name. Microsoft's request for a similar .msn domain was denied, but as the software giant has already proved adept at warping the structure of the Internet toward its own ends, this is not expected to pose a significant problem.

Originally, the Internet provided a haven for those who were far more comfortable with computers than with their fellow humans. With the emergence of the commercial Internet, these early pioneers have been marginalized. In an effort to reward them, INANE has created the .geek domain. All .geek sites will only be accessible from UNIX machines running the text only Lynx browser.

The proposed .shop domain was passed over in favor of this one due to the fact that the US Patent Office recently granted a patent to on its innovation of the "Add This to My Cart" button. Internet shopping was thus rendered impossible and Amazon will collect all revenues henceforth.

If you have any comments regarding this, please email me at: andy@m¢PharlanE.kom. Please post suggested additions to the NMJ's Reader Forum.

Copyright 2000 Manitou Publishing Co. & Andrew L. McFarlane • All Rights Reserved.

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