Sugar Loaf area resident Bryan Poirier – who was up late practicing for the upcoming New Third Coast tour opening for Neil Young – was startled Sunday night to see “a bunch of lights zooming up and down the face of the mountain, but I just figured it was Jim Rennie ‘sleep-grooming’ again.”
Rennie, another area resident, admitted that he had sought treatment for the rare sleep disorder. He said that he had been headed over to the Loaf to set a few gates “just for practice” when he too saw the strange lights. Upon arrival, he realized that the lights were a remarkable array of unidentified flying objects. By morning, county law enforcement officials and a growing crowd of curious onlookers were on the scene.
Calls to Sugar Loaf’s owner, attorney and realtor went unanswered, setting people’s minds somewhat at ease that it was still business as usual at the long-shuttered resort. Shortly after noon excitement was rekindled when, at a hastily called press conference, it was announced that Sugar Loaf Mountain had been sold … to aliens!
The purchasing party is a consortium of several alien species who are calling themselves INVADER (Intergalactic Negotiators for Very Amicable Development of Extra-species Relationships). INVADER spokesman Klaatu announced the sale of Sugar Loaf for an undisclosed sum and pledged a massive investment in anti-gravity chair lifts and advanced alien snowmaking technology that would render the hills skiable 10 months out of the year.
When pressed about the selling price, Klaatu said “Long ago, we abandoned the concept of money … along with war, starvation and reality television but I can tell you that all parties are happy with the outcome.”
Alien attorney Zoth the Destroyer dismissed as “outrageous” speculation that the resort would be used as the beachhead for an alien invasion and regrettably ate our photographer, cutting the interview short. We did receive a lovely fruit basket by way of apology, however.