LELAND, APRIL 1, 2019 – Members of the group Stay Off the Damn Shoreline (SODS) hailed the completion by Homeland Security of two sections of wall at the Leland road ends historically used as beaches.
Group spokesman Zoltan Zoltanson explained, “Our group was happy at the ruling that the illegal South & North Beaches in Leland may no longer be referred to as beaches, but we know that people have long memories and aren’t just going to forget a beach they’ve been going to since they were six.”
Mr. Zoltanson explained that the Township rejected SODS proposals for armed guards or even a simple alligator-filled moat at road ends to discourage what he admitted was lawful access, prompting the group to look for aid from the Federal Government.
“When we told them about the hordes of people flocking to these unregulated access points, many clutching strange sandwiches made with ‘pretzel bread’, they were quite alarmed and immediately sent a crew to construct the walls. While some may feel these walls impact legitimate public use of the ‘beaches’, our group feels they send the proper message of ‘You’re not welcome around here.'”
Local beachgoer Zach “Doc” Watson stopped by to take a gander at the construction and offered his thoughts, “As a local, I’ve been coming to the beach in Leland for most of my life. I came here as a kid with my parents, brought my kids here, and now I bring my grandkids. This is just plain weird.”
A SODS press release touted additional measures including cybernetic seagulls to operate as sky cams and “mostly non-lethal” beach ball drones to enforce boundaries. The project was funded by cuts to Great Lakes environmental programs.
Zoltanson said this isn’t the end for SODS, who are currently challenging the 2005 court ruling that affirmed the right of Michiganders to walk the shoreline. “At the end of the day, this is America and I don’t want to live in a country where I can’t enjoy my house next to a beach people have used for 50+ years because they people feel like they can just keep going to it.”
Mr Zoltanson then walked angrily away, muttering about a Dalmatian coat.